JJB’s Ramblings

If there is anything more ferocious than a bear in a wife beater, then it’s a bear in a wife beater who advertises his own name.  Say Hello to Martin, the most kickass hunchback bear on the cape.  Martin has been a staple at the Cape Cod Zooquarium for as long as I can remember.  Yes, Zooaquarium. They have a bear out front hustling customers for them.  I suppose that would be akin to having a shark at a petting zoo, don’t you think? 

Martin stands as a constant reminder of A) how to do the mash potato and B) how animals in marketing are ALWAYS the smart move.

I usually don’t care for commercials and I love the fact that with any DVR’d show I can zoom right through them.  The problem with watching “live” tv is that you can’t do that.  Sometimes you can go around it and channel surf but other times (like when watching a football game) with a bunch of people you just have to suffer through it.  This past Sunday while enjoying the Patriots win over …who did they beat again? I can’t even remember now because there have been so many… I saw perhaps the funniest advertisement. Ever.  Maybe it is just because of my recent adventures into making sausages, or the fact that I want a dog.  Either way, I found this to be hilarious and wanted to share it with you.   

When eRock and I went on youtube last night to find this and watch it again (no less than 6 times) we ended up looking around at some other videos.  First we looked for Great Dane videos (because that is the type of dog I want) and then we looked for Daschund videos (because that’s what eRock wants) and found Rusty.  Oh Rusty.  Such a cute little guy, too bad about the narcolepsy.

What do you do when you have some spare time on your hands?  Watch TV?  Organize your stamp collection?  Beat up people that OWN stamp collections?  All of that is well and good, but me, I prefer to toil away in the kitchen over a hot stove.  This past Saturday was no exception.  With eRock out of the house for the better part of the day and company joining us for dinner, I thought it would be nice to make something from scratch.  Something “easy”.  Something like pasta sauce.  I chose the recipe given out by my culinary hero Alton Brown (an illegitmate offfspring of Julia Child and Bill Nye the science guy*) in his Pantry Raid episode. 

Step one:  make sure you have all the ingredients.  If you don’t have them get them (unless you don’t care for them.  I omitted the capers.) Here is our full recipe listing with my comments: 

2 (28-ounce) cans whole, peeled tomatoes
1/4 cup sherry vinegar
1/4 cup sugar
1 teaspoon red pepper flakes
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1 teaspoon dried basil
1 onion
1 carrot
1 stalk celery
2 ounces olive oil
4 cloves garlic, minced
3 tablespoons capers, rinsed and drained
1/2 cup white wine  (plus 16 to 32oz for your own consumption)… better just make sure you have a bottle.
Kosher salt and black pepper, to taste 

In a sieve over a medium non-reactive saucepot, strain the tomatoes of their juice into the saucepot. Add the sherry vinegar, sugar, red pepper flakes, oregano, and basil to the tomato juice. Stir and cook over high heat. Once bubbles begin to form on the surface, reduce to a simmer. Allow liquid to reduce by 1/2 or until liquid has thickened to a loose syrup consistency.   It should end up looking something like this. I let it boil just a bit too long but I do not think there was too much harm.Squeeze each tomato thoroughly to ensure most seeds are removed. Set the tomatoes aside.

Cut carrot, onion, and celery into uniform sizes and combine with olive oil and garlic in a non-reactive roasting pan over low heat.  Sweat the mirepoix until the carrots are tender and the onion becomes translucent, 15 to 20 minutes.  Just like this.

Add the tomatoes and capers to the roasting pan and place roasting pan on the middle rack of the oven and broil for 15 to 20 minutes, stirring every 5 minutes. Tomatoes should start to brown slightly on edges with light caramelization.  You want to be sure that you know how good your broiler works.  You don’t want anything to burn (especially the garlic which will get bitter and you don’t want that).

Remove the pan from the broiler. Place the pan over 2 burners on the stove. Add the white wine to the tomatoes and cook for 2 to 3 more minutes over medium heat. Put the tomatoes into a deep pot or bowl and add the reduced tomato liquid to the tomatoes. Blend to desired consistency and adjust seasoning. 

That’s it.  Pretty darn easy right? Right.  I think that next time I make it I will cut down on some of the sugar, as it was a little sweet, though very tastey.  This brings about another important question.  Just what the hell do you DO with a big thing of pasta sauce?  Well you make spaghetti in your new mixer attachment, naturally.**  How do you do that?  Well my friends, I am glad that you asked.

From the KitchenAid recipe:

3 large eggs
2 tablespoons water
2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour

Break eggs into a glass measuring cup. Add water. Carefully check to see that the total liquid amount is 3/4 cup. If less than 3/4 cup, add additional water 1 teaspoon at a time until that amount is reached.

Place flour in a bowl. Attach bowl and flat beater [to a KitchenAid stand mixer]. Turn to speed 2 and gradually add eggs and water. Mix for 30 seconds. Stop mixer and exchange dough hook for flat beater. Turn to speed 2 and knead for 2 minutes. As you can see here.

Remove mixture from bowl and hand knead for 30 seconds to 1 minute. Cover with plastic wrap and let dough rest for 15 minutes before extruding through Pasta Maker.  Once you run it through the pasta maker, you want to be sure to separate it so that it doesn’t clump up together, as seen here.

Finally, you toss the pasta into some well salted water and boil for 3-5 min, being sure to test as you go so what you don’t overcook it.

And that’s it.  Now you have the perfect pasta and sauce combination .  I suppose the only thing that may make this even better would be a well seared chicken breast and some fresh parmesan.   It might look something like…oh, I don’t know… this. Enjoy! 

* This is only speculation.

** If you don’t have one, then rush out and get one.  I’ll wait.  What do you mean you don’t have the ability to go out and get it.  Fine.  You can buy some pasta, but I guarantee it will not be the same. 

So, they say a picture is worth a thousand words (or a few bucks if you are looking for a print).  This couldn’t be closer to the truth.  There are thousands of photos up on jjbates.com that have not had their stories told.  This is probably because a lot of them are bad stories.  You know, like the ones where a casual acquaintance asks you how you are but then cuts you off only to launch into a tirade about how they hate pudding with skin (I don’t) or have an irrational fear of the last few ounces of milk in the carton (I do). 

Fortunately some do have good stories that are worth sharing.  Some with meaning that could be discussed over tea and biscuits or a cold pint of beer.  Others are just funny and haven’t had their day in the sun.  Well now that sunny day is here my friends.  Sit a spell and read on about these untold truths as I tell you about the background of these shots.  A while back I started this with the 10 Photo Shuffle and I will now continue on the path with a story behind one photo every few days or so depending on time.

Our first specimen (seen above) was actually a Photo of the Day back in March of 2005.  A group of five normally intelligent men decided to head up to Acadia National Park on the brink of a snow storm for a few days of relaxation.  Fortunately, the snow started just before we arrived and continued heavily in the night.  The next morning we were greeted with over a foot of snow but still decided to make the trek from the hotel over to the National Park and walk around.  It was so incredibly nice.  The snow had (for the most part) subsided and we found ourselves walking the loop road along the shoreline.  The waves crashing against the rocks were unlike anything I had ever seen and it was extraordinarily calm…except for the 5 idiots gallivanting around.

I embrace technology as much as the next guy.  You give me a device that does any combination of the following things:  saves time, saves money, saves effort, keeps me informed or gives the impression of me being generally “in the know”, then I am bound to embrace it.  IPods?  Love ‘em.  Automated tie racks? Awesome. Chips implanted in my neck? Could be a good thing.

Anyway, I came across a new technology the other day that I simply must share with you. The next time you go into Stop & Shop keep your eyes peeled for a display rack with little scanners that look like laser tag guns.  The deal is this:  scan your S&S card and get a scanner.  Take the scanner with you as you walk throughout the store, scanning items are you put them in your cart.  Go to a self-checkout when you are finished, scan a barcode on the machine to signify that you are done shopping and then scan your S&S card again at the register.  It automatically tallys up all of the items that you have scanned and gives you your total.  This saves a ton of time because you can bag as you go and you don’t have to wait while the 16 year old high school kid chats with the super cute highschool dropout bagger*. Like oh my god. 

The absolute best part of this machine though?  I think it reads your thoughts.  Or maybe it has a direct line to God.  I am not sure.  As Randy, Becky and I entered the other night and scanned in to give this a whirl we were discussing potential snackable items for the football game.  I voiced my opinion about the magical Ore-Ida Crispers.  Have you had them?  Holy mackerel. They are the Good Lord’s gift to frozen potato products.  So, about a min after I mention this to Randy, the scanner in my hand beeps.  I immediatley presume that I did something wrong and broke it but look down and see this.  Is this a freak coincidence? I doubt it.  Is it a direct line to the red phone at the right of the father?  I think it just might be.  Naturally, we took this as a sign and got two bags.  Now my children go forth.  Go forth and hear the word of god. I think he is saying that there is a sale on Irish Spring and that they need cleanup in aisle two.

* I understand that this is not an accurate representation of a supermarket bagger.  They are kind, wonderful, smart people capable of many many fantastic things.  However, I found it necessary to take liberties with this individual representation because without it, it might not have been as funny.  Thank you.