JJB’s Ramblings

Most chain restaurants have a signature dish. McDonalds has the big mac.  Friendly’s has the fribble (do you know the difference between a fribble and a milkshake, BESIDES the fact that one brings the boys to the yard? I do.)  The Cheesecake Factory has its cheesecake.  But the Cheesecake Factory has a secret weapon that a super size fry or a happy ending (Sunday you goon) cannot compete with.  Roadside sliders.  The Factory is known for its monsterous entrée sizes.  It exemplifies American over-indulgence. These sliders however challenge that conception.  The Factory chooses to downplay their total awesomeness and describes them as: 

ROADSIDE SLIDERS
Bite-sized Burgers on Mini-Buns Served with
Grilled Onions, Pickles and Ketchup 

Dear friends, I feel I have to let you know that they are more than that.  They are toasted roll goodness.  They are yellow cheddared perfection.  They are sweet and salty and sumptuous.  In fact, I am pretty sure that they are laced with crack because once you take that first bite you cannot put them down.  They come four to an order and being the loving fiance that I am, I gave one to Erica.  I had to do this before I had taken a bite because I am pretty sure it would never have left my plate otherwise.  eRock took a bite and said, “Oh this is pretty good.” Then the crack set in and she declared it “really pretty good”. She took her second bite and closed her eyes stating, “Wow, this is really good.” A pause and then a third bite, “oh man, this is really freakin good. I can’t believe how good this is. Can you make these? Because these are REALLY good”.  Fourth bite, same results, “I just can’t believe it. It is really good. REALLY.” At this point I had wolfed down 1.5 of the little guys and concurred. I think she was eyeing the last one on my plate but I couldn’t be sure. Her final bite came and she sort of slumped back in her seat, and said “Wow.  Did I tell you I thought that was really good? It was realllllly good.  Did you know they were that good?” I replied yes, that’s why I ordered them. “Well why the heck didn’t you tell me?  Why did you let me get a burrito when I could have got those? That’s cruel.” I know…but I did share. “I don’t think I can order anything else ever again…besides cheesecake.” I know.  I guarantee that if you experience these little gems, you will find yourself craving THEM and not cheesecake next time someone mentions a gathering at the Cheesecake factory.  You can always take cheesecake home, but you should always have the crack at the crackhouse.

If there is anything more ferocious than a bear in a wife beater, then it’s a bear in a wife beater who advertises his own name.  Say Hello to Martin, the most kickass hunchback bear on the cape.  Martin has been a staple at the Cape Cod Zooquarium for as long as I can remember.  Yes, Zooaquarium. They have a bear out front hustling customers for them.  I suppose that would be akin to having a shark at a petting zoo, don’t you think? 

Martin stands as a constant reminder of A) how to do the mash potato and B) how animals in marketing are ALWAYS the smart move.

I usually don’t care for commercials and I love the fact that with any DVR’d show I can zoom right through them.  The problem with watching “live” tv is that you can’t do that.  Sometimes you can go around it and channel surf but other times (like when watching a football game) with a bunch of people you just have to suffer through it.  This past Sunday while enjoying the Patriots win over …who did they beat again? I can’t even remember now because there have been so many… I saw perhaps the funniest advertisement. Ever.  Maybe it is just because of my recent adventures into making sausages, or the fact that I want a dog.  Either way, I found this to be hilarious and wanted to share it with you.   

When eRock and I went on youtube last night to find this and watch it again (no less than 6 times) we ended up looking around at some other videos.  First we looked for Great Dane videos (because that is the type of dog I want) and then we looked for Daschund videos (because that’s what eRock wants) and found Rusty.  Oh Rusty.  Such a cute little guy, too bad about the narcolepsy.

What do you do when you have some spare time on your hands?  Watch TV?  Organize your stamp collection?  Beat up people that OWN stamp collections?  All of that is well and good, but me, I prefer to toil away in the kitchen over a hot stove.  This past Saturday was no exception.  With eRock out of the house for the better part of the day and company joining us for dinner, I thought it would be nice to make something from scratch.  Something “easy”.  Something like pasta sauce.  I chose the recipe given out by my culinary hero Alton Brown (an illegitmate offfspring of Julia Child and Bill Nye the science guy*) in his Pantry Raid episode. 

Step one:  make sure you have all the ingredients.  If you don’t have them get them (unless you don’t care for them.  I omitted the capers.) Here is our full recipe listing with my comments: 

2 (28-ounce) cans whole, peeled tomatoes
1/4 cup sherry vinegar
1/4 cup sugar
1 teaspoon red pepper flakes
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1 teaspoon dried basil
1 onion
1 carrot
1 stalk celery
2 ounces olive oil
4 cloves garlic, minced
3 tablespoons capers, rinsed and drained
1/2 cup white wine  (plus 16 to 32oz for your own consumption)… better just make sure you have a bottle.
Kosher salt and black pepper, to taste 

In a sieve over a medium non-reactive saucepot, strain the tomatoes of their juice into the saucepot. Add the sherry vinegar, sugar, red pepper flakes, oregano, and basil to the tomato juice. Stir and cook over high heat. Once bubbles begin to form on the surface, reduce to a simmer. Allow liquid to reduce by 1/2 or until liquid has thickened to a loose syrup consistency.   It should end up looking something like this. I let it boil just a bit too long but I do not think there was too much harm.Squeeze each tomato thoroughly to ensure most seeds are removed. Set the tomatoes aside.

Cut carrot, onion, and celery into uniform sizes and combine with olive oil and garlic in a non-reactive roasting pan over low heat.  Sweat the mirepoix until the carrots are tender and the onion becomes translucent, 15 to 20 minutes.  Just like this.

Add the tomatoes and capers to the roasting pan and place roasting pan on the middle rack of the oven and broil for 15 to 20 minutes, stirring every 5 minutes. Tomatoes should start to brown slightly on edges with light caramelization.  You want to be sure that you know how good your broiler works.  You don’t want anything to burn (especially the garlic which will get bitter and you don’t want that).

Remove the pan from the broiler. Place the pan over 2 burners on the stove. Add the white wine to the tomatoes and cook for 2 to 3 more minutes over medium heat. Put the tomatoes into a deep pot or bowl and add the reduced tomato liquid to the tomatoes. Blend to desired consistency and adjust seasoning. 

That’s it.  Pretty darn easy right? Right.  I think that next time I make it I will cut down on some of the sugar, as it was a little sweet, though very tastey.  This brings about another important question.  Just what the hell do you DO with a big thing of pasta sauce?  Well you make spaghetti in your new mixer attachment, naturally.**  How do you do that?  Well my friends, I am glad that you asked.

From the KitchenAid recipe:

3 large eggs
2 tablespoons water
2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour

Break eggs into a glass measuring cup. Add water. Carefully check to see that the total liquid amount is 3/4 cup. If less than 3/4 cup, add additional water 1 teaspoon at a time until that amount is reached.

Place flour in a bowl. Attach bowl and flat beater [to a KitchenAid stand mixer]. Turn to speed 2 and gradually add eggs and water. Mix for 30 seconds. Stop mixer and exchange dough hook for flat beater. Turn to speed 2 and knead for 2 minutes. As you can see here.

Remove mixture from bowl and hand knead for 30 seconds to 1 minute. Cover with plastic wrap and let dough rest for 15 minutes before extruding through Pasta Maker.  Once you run it through the pasta maker, you want to be sure to separate it so that it doesn’t clump up together, as seen here.

Finally, you toss the pasta into some well salted water and boil for 3-5 min, being sure to test as you go so what you don’t overcook it.

And that’s it.  Now you have the perfect pasta and sauce combination .  I suppose the only thing that may make this even better would be a well seared chicken breast and some fresh parmesan.   It might look something like…oh, I don’t know… this. Enjoy! 

* This is only speculation.

** If you don’t have one, then rush out and get one.  I’ll wait.  What do you mean you don’t have the ability to go out and get it.  Fine.  You can buy some pasta, but I guarantee it will not be the same. 

So, they say a picture is worth a thousand words (or a few bucks if you are looking for a print).  This couldn’t be closer to the truth.  There are thousands of photos up on jjbates.com that have not had their stories told.  This is probably because a lot of them are bad stories.  You know, like the ones where a casual acquaintance asks you how you are but then cuts you off only to launch into a tirade about how they hate pudding with skin (I don’t) or have an irrational fear of the last few ounces of milk in the carton (I do). 

Fortunately some do have good stories that are worth sharing.  Some with meaning that could be discussed over tea and biscuits or a cold pint of beer.  Others are just funny and haven’t had their day in the sun.  Well now that sunny day is here my friends.  Sit a spell and read on about these untold truths as I tell you about the background of these shots.  A while back I started this with the 10 Photo Shuffle and I will now continue on the path with a story behind one photo every few days or so depending on time.

Our first specimen (seen above) was actually a Photo of the Day back in March of 2005.  A group of five normally intelligent men decided to head up to Acadia National Park on the brink of a snow storm for a few days of relaxation.  Fortunately, the snow started just before we arrived and continued heavily in the night.  The next morning we were greeted with over a foot of snow but still decided to make the trek from the hotel over to the National Park and walk around.  It was so incredibly nice.  The snow had (for the most part) subsided and we found ourselves walking the loop road along the shoreline.  The waves crashing against the rocks were unlike anything I had ever seen and it was extraordinarily calm…except for the 5 idiots gallivanting around.