JJB’s Ramblings

So dig this… Around 9pm last night, I had just finished eating some pizza and was finally getting some energy…. so I started to move things around in the living room.  Nothing major, just repositioning a chair and bookcase trying to get my feng shui groovin’. 

My doorbell rings.  Immediately I think that it’s the two drunks that I passed (twice) an hour earlier. One asked me for $0.50 so that he could catch a bus, the other asked me for a slice of my pizza-pie, both requests were declined.  Dejected, the found solace sitting on my neighbors stoop. 

Anyway. 

I check the peephole and see a girl that I vaguely recognize, so I open open the door and she re-introduces herself to me… she is my neighbor from 2 doors down and I realize we met when we moved in.  She asks if it would be at all possible to cut through my apt to get into her back door because the two bums are passed out cold on her stoop.  Being neighborly, of course I let her in and we chat a min, she says she loves the apt (which is a mess because I am rearranging things) and I lead her out back and say goodnight.  I returned back to the front room and continue to move things in around, feng shui be damned.  I decided that the bookshelf next to my bed might look good so I wander back to the bedroom to eyeball it and see if it its suitable.  I happen too look outside and see my poor neighbor still in the backyard, making her way to my backdoor again.  I bent down to the window and ask if she is ok.  Exasperated, she explains that her key doesnt actually unlock her back door, which is normally unlocked.  So I let her back in, she kindly assures me that she wasnt peeping and she just wants to get home and her roomate isnt there.  I tell her that I will go with her to her door and ask the men to move.  For the record I have had to ask one of the guys to move off my stoop once before and he was totally amiable. 

So here is the situation:
Drunk #1 (the guy that was bent about me not giving him change to “get to a bus at lechmere” was passed out COLD against the corner of her door.   
Drunk #2 had actually rolled off the stoop and was lying on the ground, sort of facing the step.   

Did I mention that we stepped around vomit to get to her entrance? 

Anyway.

My dear neighbor is looking a little harried by the situation, but we approach and I direct my words at drunk #2 and ask him to move so that the kind woman next to me could get into her apartment.  This is when I realize things are worse than they seem.  Drunk #2 has his hand down his pants.  I realize this is not for self-gratification, but rather to help him aim a little better as he pees on the step he is laying next too.  Mind you, he hasnt exposed himself; he has just pulled away his waistband to relieve himself.  Of course, he doesn’t notice (or care) that it immediately starts puddling up next to his shoulder.  Awesome. Neighbor C is taking the whole experience rather well; she just looked very worried and was kind of standing behind me.  So I tell him, again, that I would like for him to move aside.  He says “sure sure”… mumbles some drunk speak, pulls his hand out of his pants and sits up to start chattin with me “of course…I’ll move for the lady” he says.  His mind and body are not really on the same page though.  He talks about moving, but doesnt exactly get up.  I then gesture at his buddy who is doing most of the door blocking and say that he needs to move too.  Drunk #2 looks at me and then at his buddy and says “Yeah.  HEY FUCKTARD!  The lady wants to … hey… move… she wants to go home”.  Drunk #1 is out cold.  Ice cold.  Drunk #2 looks up at me and says “lemme ask…lemme ask you somethin… you got a smoke?”  I respond “Ha. No. It’s bad for your health.  Now move over”.  I turn to Neighbor C and ask her if she is ok stepping over them, she nodded, said thank you about 10 times and inched over them.  I am pretty sure I have a friend for life now.   

They didnt move an inch.  Drunk #1 was still motionless and #2 had lain back down (as if to let her pass).   

I contemplated calling the police but didn’t because I was pretty sure that if she didn’t, someone else would see them and call.  About 20 min later I thought I heard something outside and wanted to make sure that nobody was on our stoop (especially because E was going to be home any minute) so I stepped out to see a cop car and an ambulance that were strapping the comatose drunk #1 to a stretcher.  I watched for a few minutes and saw E round the corner and weave around the remainder of the mess. So yeah, it was an interesting evening.

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